Its been a little while.

So, I feel obligated to apologize for my vanishing act over the past week. I kept meaning to blog but something would come up that would pull me away from the computer. But now, I'm back.

I've had a great week - which stemmed from all of my activity. I started with Hot Yoga on Tuesday and then Pilates on Thursday. Loved each class and was pumped that I actually allowed myself to leave the office at 5:15 in order to get to my class. I went up to the farm on Saturday and worked a few horses - "horse therapy", as I like to call it. This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, cleaned, did a few loads of laundry and then Ashley and I went on a wicked bike ride. Along the way I managed to get a new pair of glasses and grabbed the 'Back to the Future' trilogy for $20 - SWEET!

Wednesday night was interesting. I met up with one of my best friends, Kate. She knows that one of my New Year's resolutions was to get out more and be less of a hermit. We decided to get together and we agreed that we would go out for a drink - although I will admit I tried very hard to make my home sound appealing - she stuck to her guns and dragged me to Hemmingway's. (An important thing to know about our friendship is that we have known each other since first year university, however, our relationship grew into the friendship it is today because she has also lost her father and understands the devastation felt when you loose your mentor and best friend. We are each other's support and shoulder to lean on. Our typical, and weekly, 'play dates' consist of dinner, TV and tons of laughter. We rarely talk about our specific feelings about our loss but somehow just being in the same room is support enough.) Wednesday was not a typical 'play date'. For some unknown reason we both began to talk about how we were feeling and not surprisingly, we both said that we were going through a rough patch. We both cried, in the middle of this busy bar and laughed at the irony of the fact that we have weekly, private play dates and we decide to open our souls in the middle of some bar - ha, go figure.

Why did we feel that busting into tears was safe in the middle of such a public venue?

We laughed it off, went back to my place and did what we do best - laughed. We laughed so hard that at points I wondered if we would need to call for oxygen masks.

It's wonderful to have great friends - they are worth their weight in gold.

Discussion for the week....

I've decided it would be pretty cool to have a group of topics to think about every week - on top of any random thoughts.

Here are my topics for this week:

• Pursuit of Happiness - what does it mean to you?
• "Are you ever ready.......?"
• No questions asked - One of the best parenting tools my Dad every used
• What was I taught growing up?
• Pet clinics and shelters all across the States are overflowing with four-legged family members - could you say good-bye to your pet if you had to?

If you have something to say - let me know..........

You know, ....that feeling....

I'm trying to get into the routine - of all my new commitments - and I have to say it is a little overwhelming. My natural instinct would be to just shut down, eat some type of decadent food item, and sit thinking about all the things I should be doing. (You know that feeling, when you know you have a ton of stuff to do - like bills, write a letter, clean - and the more you think about the fact you should be doing it the more anxious you get.) The funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed in a negative way - I feel so excited about the year ahead........This feeling is new for me.

The past 2 years have been filled with sadness and dispair. Even though I tried desperately to be 'normal', 'controlled', and 'strong', during the last two years - I never allowed myself to get my head out of what I would call - the "emotion fortress". You know, that place that makes you say, "Oh, I'm doing really well thanks", 2 weeks after your father passes away.
It is amazing what the death of a loved one can do to you. It makes you instantly select a life path - you only have two options. The first option is the one that is the easiest - crumble like a deck of cards, completely shutting down and ultimately giving up on life. The second option is the hardest - you painfully walk through life with the constant reminder that your loved is gone, yet you do everything in their honour and strive to make them proud.

The other night, over a bottle of red wine, I was talking to a close friend about what it feels like to loose a father. Here is how I could describe it:

It takes you to the rawest form of emotion. It catches every organ off guard and at the moment you hear the devasting truth, your entire body shuts down. The feeling of the ground truly cracking beneath me, when the Police Officer told me that my brother wasn't kidding and that my Dad had passed away, was infact every organ grinding to a stand still from shock. It is the kind of raw, untapped emotion that I would expect babies feel when they experience joy and love.

Imagine a baby's first feeling of love for their parent, or joy from their first laugh - the intensity is unimaginable. That is grief....only with a level of sadness.

I've decided that it is time to take myself out of the fortress. Experiencing happiness and joy again may not be at the level of an infant, but it feels amazing................and it gives me hope.

I took my own advice - ha, and it worked...who knew?!

I 'just did it'!

If you read my previous post I mentioned that my new mantra will be to 'just do it'. Well, I have to share this with you.

As I left work I had every intention of coming home, changing into my running clothes and hitting the track behind my apartment. Every intention. When I got out of the car, I looked at my lovely hubby-to-be and said, "it's pretty windy outside." He knew exactly what I meant. In Giggsy language that was code for - it's too windy to run, why don't we just stay inside and watch TV. Ever the supportive significant other, he agreed it was not only too windy but the chill may infact allow me to catch a cold - we of course wouldn't want that. To make my rationale more believable I decided to do 20 minutes of Yoga, from a DVD that I purchased in a spontanious "I must get fit for my wedding" shopping spree.

I am pleased to say that during my 20 minutes of Yoga I decided to 'just do it'. I put my running clothes on and directed my lazy legs to pick up the pace - heading towards the track. I put in 20 minutes of speed walking/running and came back to the apartment out of breath and proud of myself - I DID IT! and it felt great!

Today was the biggest achievenment since I made my commitment but it isn't the first. This weekend I removed and scrubbed all of my window screens, washed my floor rugs (who knew I had cream rugs!) and took another load to Goodwill. I'm telling you - this 'just do it' thing REALLY works!

Now - Let me tell you about my weekend (the interesting parts at least).

Last Friday I attended a birthday party for a good friend. At this party I was surely going to come face to face with his girlfriend - someone I had made a point to avoid for over 2 years. The reason is irrelevent - but it is important to note that I had a pretty rough day at the office. As I sat at a table of our favorite pub, with a double gin and tonic, 'she' walked in the door, sat at our table and offered to buy me a drink. It was at that moment that I had two options - 1. continue the feud or 2. just let it go. I chose option 2 and proceeded to have a great night. I won't profess that we will be besties anytime soon but there is now a chance that we can all be in the same room and not kill each other. In the eyes of most of my friends - hell must have frozen over and the fat lady sang....loudly.

Saturday Ashley (my lovely fiance) and I decided to go for a walk - in typical Ash and Giggsy style, our walk turned into a 5 hour marathon that took us from one end of the city to the other. We stopped along the way for lunch on a patio and made a pit stop into Kensington market - I am addicted to these Gluten-free, Wheat-free crackers you can get at Tutti Fruiti. Really addicted. In the evening we made an appearance at my sister-in-laws birthday party which turned out to be a ton of fun.

Sunday was very chill, it was rainy outside which I felt meant I needed to watch a ton of movies. I woke up early, cleaned from top to bottom, made a trip to the grocery store, hit up blockbuster and cozied up on the couch with my two favorite felines - Matthew and Joey.

The weekend got a hold of me...

So sorry that I didn't connect over the weekend! I was entrenched in family commitments and chores. I've got a ton to tell you about but I'll have to hit ya this evening - after my day job ;)

Spring Cleaning.....'just do it'

I think it is safe to say that each one of us has a vision come to mind when someone mentions 'spring cleaning'. Most often it is an image of sheer curtains flowing against a gentle breeze sprinkled with the scent of rain or a picture of a closet organized by colour and style with all hangers pointing in the same direction. To others, 'spring cleaning' takes on a completely different meaning - turning inwards and outling cleanses for the body, mind, and soul.

Let's face it - is that vision really the reality?

I'm lucky if I can get a load of laundry into the machine and quickly whip the vacume cleaner along the floors. I love the feeling of a super clean home but we all know that it all can get away from us. My week long goal to clear our my closet has been on the top of my 'to do' list for the past 3 weeks. I have every intention of organizing my paperwork over the weekend but suddenly I'm looking down the barrel of a shotgun - otherwise know as Sunday 9pm - with papers strewn around me like confetti.

Is there ever enough time in the day to get it all done? ...........No.

I've decided to make a commitment to myself and by sharing it with you, I'm going to have to be accountable for it. My commitment is to 'just do it'. No, I'm not being paid by Nike. What I'm trying to tell myself is that when I find the reason not to do something, I have to make the effort to 'just do it' - whether it be spring cleaning, exercising, or just making time to be with myself.

Here is my list of commitments (at least for the next 2 months).

I commit to:

1. Checking items off of my 'to do' list within 4 days of writting them (that means writing them the first time, not the re-writing of the list that can occur exponentially)
2. Running at the track behind my apartment - no less than twice a week
3. Organizing my closet (sending any clothes not worn within the past year to Goodwill)
4. Reading one book a month
5. Writing at least a chapter of my book about my Dad every month
6. To 'just do it'

I'm sure you're thinking, like I would if I read this list on another blog, "how the hell am I going to know that your keeping up your end of the bargain?"

Well, the answer is......you're going to have to trust me ..............and keep reading to see what happens next......

I figure we better get to know each other....at least a little bit

So, I figure if I'm going to be baring my soul, we should probably get to know each other.

I've just hit the age of the "real world" - 30 - and am planning my wedding which is coming up way to fast (November 24th). Sometimes I still can't believe I'm getting hitched, who would have known that I'd be marrying the other half of my 'dirty dancing' escapade from the Bohemian.

My Mom and my brother mean the world to me. I lost my father June 24, 2007 in a road rage car accident and on that day my entire world changed forever - I lost my best friend, my confidante, my mentor and my laughing buddy. To put it truthfully, I lost everything at that very moment, when the ground cracked beneath me. I'm sure you will come to see that I like to write about my Dad. He was the funniest, most sincere person and everyone who new him, or even had heard of him, smiled when they heard his name. When our tight knit family of four changed to a family of three, we got closer. I talk to my Mom every night and message my brother throughout the day - we are tight, and that's how it will always be.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I love to laugh and tend to find the bright side whenever possible - seriously, life is far to short and you need to make the conscious decision to make the most of it. No regrets, just life lessons.

One thing I won't talk about is work - I deal with it enough during the day so this space will be 'work free' - so to speak.

That's enough about me ........for now......