Its been a little while.

So, I feel obligated to apologize for my vanishing act over the past week. I kept meaning to blog but something would come up that would pull me away from the computer. But now, I'm back.

I've had a great week - which stemmed from all of my activity. I started with Hot Yoga on Tuesday and then Pilates on Thursday. Loved each class and was pumped that I actually allowed myself to leave the office at 5:15 in order to get to my class. I went up to the farm on Saturday and worked a few horses - "horse therapy", as I like to call it. This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, cleaned, did a few loads of laundry and then Ashley and I went on a wicked bike ride. Along the way I managed to get a new pair of glasses and grabbed the 'Back to the Future' trilogy for $20 - SWEET!

Wednesday night was interesting. I met up with one of my best friends, Kate. She knows that one of my New Year's resolutions was to get out more and be less of a hermit. We decided to get together and we agreed that we would go out for a drink - although I will admit I tried very hard to make my home sound appealing - she stuck to her guns and dragged me to Hemmingway's. (An important thing to know about our friendship is that we have known each other since first year university, however, our relationship grew into the friendship it is today because she has also lost her father and understands the devastation felt when you loose your mentor and best friend. We are each other's support and shoulder to lean on. Our typical, and weekly, 'play dates' consist of dinner, TV and tons of laughter. We rarely talk about our specific feelings about our loss but somehow just being in the same room is support enough.) Wednesday was not a typical 'play date'. For some unknown reason we both began to talk about how we were feeling and not surprisingly, we both said that we were going through a rough patch. We both cried, in the middle of this busy bar and laughed at the irony of the fact that we have weekly, private play dates and we decide to open our souls in the middle of some bar - ha, go figure.

Why did we feel that busting into tears was safe in the middle of such a public venue?

We laughed it off, went back to my place and did what we do best - laughed. We laughed so hard that at points I wondered if we would need to call for oxygen masks.

It's wonderful to have great friends - they are worth their weight in gold.

Discussion for the week....

I've decided it would be pretty cool to have a group of topics to think about every week - on top of any random thoughts.

Here are my topics for this week:

• Pursuit of Happiness - what does it mean to you?
• "Are you ever ready.......?"
• No questions asked - One of the best parenting tools my Dad every used
• What was I taught growing up?
• Pet clinics and shelters all across the States are overflowing with four-legged family members - could you say good-bye to your pet if you had to?

If you have something to say - let me know..........

You know, ....that feeling....

I'm trying to get into the routine - of all my new commitments - and I have to say it is a little overwhelming. My natural instinct would be to just shut down, eat some type of decadent food item, and sit thinking about all the things I should be doing. (You know that feeling, when you know you have a ton of stuff to do - like bills, write a letter, clean - and the more you think about the fact you should be doing it the more anxious you get.) The funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed in a negative way - I feel so excited about the year ahead........This feeling is new for me.

The past 2 years have been filled with sadness and dispair. Even though I tried desperately to be 'normal', 'controlled', and 'strong', during the last two years - I never allowed myself to get my head out of what I would call - the "emotion fortress". You know, that place that makes you say, "Oh, I'm doing really well thanks", 2 weeks after your father passes away.
It is amazing what the death of a loved one can do to you. It makes you instantly select a life path - you only have two options. The first option is the one that is the easiest - crumble like a deck of cards, completely shutting down and ultimately giving up on life. The second option is the hardest - you painfully walk through life with the constant reminder that your loved is gone, yet you do everything in their honour and strive to make them proud.

The other night, over a bottle of red wine, I was talking to a close friend about what it feels like to loose a father. Here is how I could describe it:

It takes you to the rawest form of emotion. It catches every organ off guard and at the moment you hear the devasting truth, your entire body shuts down. The feeling of the ground truly cracking beneath me, when the Police Officer told me that my brother wasn't kidding and that my Dad had passed away, was infact every organ grinding to a stand still from shock. It is the kind of raw, untapped emotion that I would expect babies feel when they experience joy and love.

Imagine a baby's first feeling of love for their parent, or joy from their first laugh - the intensity is unimaginable. That is grief....only with a level of sadness.

I've decided that it is time to take myself out of the fortress. Experiencing happiness and joy again may not be at the level of an infant, but it feels amazing................and it gives me hope.