You know, ....that feeling....

I'm trying to get into the routine - of all my new commitments - and I have to say it is a little overwhelming. My natural instinct would be to just shut down, eat some type of decadent food item, and sit thinking about all the things I should be doing. (You know that feeling, when you know you have a ton of stuff to do - like bills, write a letter, clean - and the more you think about the fact you should be doing it the more anxious you get.) The funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed in a negative way - I feel so excited about the year ahead........This feeling is new for me.

The past 2 years have been filled with sadness and dispair. Even though I tried desperately to be 'normal', 'controlled', and 'strong', during the last two years - I never allowed myself to get my head out of what I would call - the "emotion fortress". You know, that place that makes you say, "Oh, I'm doing really well thanks", 2 weeks after your father passes away.
It is amazing what the death of a loved one can do to you. It makes you instantly select a life path - you only have two options. The first option is the one that is the easiest - crumble like a deck of cards, completely shutting down and ultimately giving up on life. The second option is the hardest - you painfully walk through life with the constant reminder that your loved is gone, yet you do everything in their honour and strive to make them proud.

The other night, over a bottle of red wine, I was talking to a close friend about what it feels like to loose a father. Here is how I could describe it:

It takes you to the rawest form of emotion. It catches every organ off guard and at the moment you hear the devasting truth, your entire body shuts down. The feeling of the ground truly cracking beneath me, when the Police Officer told me that my brother wasn't kidding and that my Dad had passed away, was infact every organ grinding to a stand still from shock. It is the kind of raw, untapped emotion that I would expect babies feel when they experience joy and love.

Imagine a baby's first feeling of love for their parent, or joy from their first laugh - the intensity is unimaginable. That is grief....only with a level of sadness.

I've decided that it is time to take myself out of the fortress. Experiencing happiness and joy again may not be at the level of an infant, but it feels amazing................and it gives me hope.